Don't look now, but I might have gotten my citizenship papers back! I'm trying not to get too excited but if true, then I'm finally better than all those illegal immigrants assaulting our precious, precious borders and I'm ready to join Lou Dobbs in stopping those cotton pickers dead in their tracks!

Once I get my passport (in 6 to 8 weeks, expedited) I'll be able to roam the world wearing khaki shorts, an obnoxious t-shirt, sun glasses and sneakers with a camera dangling from my neck, grinning foolishly at the quaint customs of the foreigners while taking endearing photographs to share back home over cocktails, and tell everyone I meet how much better Americaland is.